k_kerry

10:30 pm: Termination
So it's been a while...but I feel as though writing in here will help to clarify my situation, for myself. I really have no idea why...but apparently my therapist has decided to terminate my sessions. Whether or not I agree or I am ready to terminate is not the issue. I don't even want to share how I feel about this with her...why would I if it is going to end, why open myself up to getting hurt even more. I have been a mess lately, the whole idea of having to stop something that I was counting on...when it is not my decision to stop has thrown me for a loop. May plans for school may have to be altered due to this event. Feeling thrown to the curb...discarded like a piece of garbage. What good can come out of this...except for maybe the realization that I was right all along...Why trust?...you only get hurt in the end. Very few people really know me, my inner most thoughts, feelings and desires. Most of the time when I talk to people about myself I am very vague, and brief. To trust enough to feel safe in the presence of someone who does not share personal self-disclosure with you is quite different than someone who does-the relationship is different. To actually have a place where I know that I will no be judged, safe and comfortable...without the dynamics of a personal relationship coming into play...is priceless. Some may say that I can start over again with someone else...but that's not the point...my plan was to finish all of this in the next year and a half...and starting over means, having to fill this new person in on everything. Part of me angry,hurt,sad,disappointed,and I also feel rejected. The last few years spent with person seems like somewhat of a waste...to get all the way to this point only to stop...I was so close.

02:06 am: WTF!
WTF? I really dont' care naymore, or maybe I do? I dunno, I really have no idea what to do about what....any ideas are wlecome. I ma so confused abou tlife, love and hapopiness....what is up or down at the moment. So many things are ok , and yet so many thing are not. Wher to go frome here, I dunno!! There is no one to talk to..I dunno if I can even reconcile with myself...Everything is messed!!

06:48 pm: Well we are finally going for a little get away. I am so excited, our neighbours kids are cute but can be annoying when they knock on our door from 9 am til 9 pm. Finally we will get away and have some peace and quiet. We are taking the animals with us and well I am sure that they will have a good time as well. I am so looking forward to central AC and a pool to chillax in. Having some privacy and being to spend some time without people peering over the fence will be so good. I am a very private person and well I have really been missing our privacy. What I miss is hanging out in the backyard without interruption. TO me there is point where someone should know when enough is enough. I understand that there parents say that they tell them not to knock on the ddor but they really need to follow through on their words. Mal and I are not their parents but sometimes I feel as though we are parenting the kids. Anyways that is it for now, GTG and get ready for out trip.

01:22 pm: Better!
Things have gotten much better since I last wrote. I am feeling much more like myself whoever that is. I am still questioning who I am, and what my role in this life is. I have thought long and hard about my past and well I need to not allow my past to have such a grip on me. I have changed, grown and found my love. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am still working on many things and will be for the nest few years. Time will only tell!

03:48 pm: Summer
Well it is that time of year yet again when I feel as though I am invisible. I am not stick thin and I am unable to wear shorts or tank tops out in poublic therefore I feel as though I am invisible to others. I know that I stick out like a sore thumb when I am wearing long sleeves and pants when it is above 30 out but at the same time I feel invisible. I have come a long way with regards to Recovery but this body image shit is extremely frustrating. I wish that I could feel comfortable out in the public in summer clothing. I am not sure if that day will ever come but I haven't given up hope yet. I get that body image is the last thing to improve but it would make life a hell of a lot easier if it was the first thing to improve.

09:16 pm: Still alive!!
Yes, I am still alive.

I moved out of Guelph about two weeks ago and I am loving it here. I have never been happier than I am now. I needed to get away from Guelph for many reasons, there was an overhwelming amount of drama there. So here I sit in the basement of mine and Mals townhouse. We have a dog and a cat I guess you could say that we have our little family. So much has changed over the last 6 months or so, but the changes have been for the better. Life has never been better I must say!! Well that is all for now I will be back in the near future...

04:45 pm: The big Move!!
Well here it is the big count down to the move. I am soooo excited I can't wait to get out of here. So many crazy people, people whom I thought were my friends. Ughh...I really need to screen prospective friends better. I don't really have anything else to say at this moment...I will write more later this week...time at library is runniong out!!

06:23 pm: What a Month!!
So much has haapened over the past week. I feel like I have been floating in space and well I am finally ready to come back to earth. I am not even sure what is happening around me anymore, I am so confused about so many things. I am so down lately that I haven't been able to make it to the transitional care groups...I have no motivation to go to a group so that i can hear someone tell me that I am messed up!! I seen the dietitian today and well I dropped yet again. I haven't purged or binged but I know that I have cut back a little because I have been an emotional wreck and I have trouble swallowing food when I am upset. She kept 2 of my food journals so that she could have a look at my intake. I know that I cannot afford to get sick again and I will not...I don't even feel like I have dropped....Ughh...anyways I have to go on for day surgery next week for a D& C and a laproscopy and a hysterscopy...I am really not looking forward to it but it has to be done...Ughh...what A month, what a fall!!

02:59 pm: Sydney!!
I had a really good weekend hanging out with a friend...and my dog! I am not feeling all that hot at the moment but I am sure that I will survive. So many changes latley but some of them seem to be for the better. Loss seems to be a theme in my life latley, but I know that some losses are meant to be. I cherish the friends that I have in my life at the moment, the ones who I can lean on when I need to. To me friendship is about the good times but also about sticking together through the rough times.

I am so excited, I intend on keeping my puppy Sydney who has been a life saver. I love her more than I have ever loved another living thing. It is really nice to know that there is someone to greet me when I get homw, knowing that she will always love me unconditionally is extremely comforting. I like having a reason to go on. Well that is all for now...

02:01 pm: Omg, our phone was cut off so at the moment we are unable to make any outgoing calls, we still receive incoming ones though. I am a little stressed at the moment, but I will be fine. I just want to sty in bed all day and sleep. I am sooooo...tired! I haven't had more 3 hours of sleep on any given night. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I have night meds however when I take them (the recommended dosage)I fall asleep but wake only after a few hours and when I take more than is reccomended then I feel so tired the next day even though I sleep during the night. I have been having horrible nightmares and well I am scared to sleep. I just don't know what to do about this. I can't go to my docs bc I don't like him, he has no idea what to do with meds. UGHHH...Well gtg....will be back later!!

05:37 pm: Well I lied to a total stanger today. I emailed this lady about a babysitting job like a month ago and well she just emailed me back today, I called her to set up a time to meet with the kids. I was supposed to go tomorrow morning at 9:30, but I can't go...as soon as I got off the phone I had an anxiety attack. I called her back and told her that I had an appointment in the morning as well as the afternoon, I do have an appointment in the afternoon but not in the morning. I can't believe I did that. I am not even sure if I want to babysit to tell you the truth. I haven't babysat for so long, I am not sure if I still have the patience. Ughhh...WHY DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS? I know that I can meet the kids and I can always say no, but the lady was really nice and well that just makes it even harder to say No!!

I don't think that I can work right now, not even babysitting!! WOW, has my life really become this pathetic...I will go and meet the kids on Friday afternoon and my decision from there.

I have also been trying to do some journaling but I am unable to put my thoughts down on paper. I am so frustrated with myself.

01:46 pm: I am supposed to think about how I feel sadness and where in my body I feel it. I am difficulty writing about this and I am not sure why. I know that I have been avoiding sadness for so long. I am terrified that I will not be able to stop. I know that is irrational but that is how I feel.

I have also been thinking about therapy lately. I kind of feel as though I don't really need it however I know that there is a lot that I need to work through. I feel as though I have therapy burnout. I guess that it didn't help that in the last aftercare group I felt as though people weren't hearing what I was saying. I was getting feedback but that's not what I wanted, all I wanted was for people to hear how I feel. There were a few people in group that heard me but not everyone. Some people jumped in with feedback before I even had a chance to finish. I was flustered and my train of thought was interrupted. I seen my therapist the day after group and I told her about this. In our last therapy session I talked about how I feel as though some people in my life don't care about how I feel bc they never ask, I feel as though some relationships are not reciprocated. She suggested that I just tell people how I am feeling, UGHH..well that's what I did and well her theory was proven wrong. I get so frustrated with myself and others.

Anyways,my housemate and I have this friend who seems to be taking advantage of us. She has invited herself over for dinner on more than one occasion. My housemate and I are on somewhat of a budget and well we can't afford to feed an extra person all of the time. The other night when she invited herself over, my housemate was about to make dinner for herslef and said to her are you going to make something that you bought?(They had gone grocery shopping together and they both bought griceries) Our friend respnded with well why don't we make something that you bought that way we only have to make one thing...So they made french toast sticks..10 of them..I guess they were a little brown and our friend refused to eat them bc she said that they were burnt and told my housemate to make more...and well she did..so our food was wasted. I know that my housemate could have said something but this friend takes thimgs the wrong way and would become angry and bitter. Well she is soming over tonight after dinner and well I think that I am going to say something to her. I like having her around but not all the time..

11:48 am: Journaling
I have an appointment with the dietitian today. Last week she asked me to journal about what I am poud of with regards to food as well as about what food I enjoy eating. I have been having a very difficult time writing about the latter of the two. I am afraid to admit that I enjoy eating or any food in particular. I am not sure why. It feels somewhat shameful and I am embarrassed to admit that I like food especially a specific food. I know that the next step in my recovery is to work on allowong myself to enjoy food without feeling guilt or shame. I wish that this was easy. Well anyways I should go write about it. I have to see in likke a few hours. I haven't kept track of what I have been eating this week...but I am not even going to try and remember what I ate...Ughh..Oh yah and aftercare is tongight...THAT SHOULD BE FUN!!

11:26 am: Ughh..So I am off to my appointment with the dietitian in like a half hour, I haven't kept track of what i have eaten this past week, although I am going to go write down what I can remember. My housemate and I have done up a meal plan for this week so at least that is covered, just the weekend that I need to write down and well that was pretty much the same thing every day. I really hate this hot weather...I want to bike to my appointment however I am not in the mood to sweat...I also want to stop and get a coffee for my friend who is on the wood at the moment. Ughh..I feel like I have gotten extremely lazy. Although the past few days I have walked even though it was not intentional. I really want my dietitian to weigh me however she just weighed me a few weeks ago, and well my therapist and dietitian have decided that I should only get weighed once a month. UGHh..anyways enough for now gotta go get ready, OMG, WHAT TO WEAR? I really hate picking out clothes...
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12:32 pm: One of my good friends who works at World Vision has won some tickets to the Live 8 concert in Barrie this coming Saturday and she has invited me. It took me a while to decide whether or not I want to go. I have really been struggling with body image and other issues lately so I wasn't sure if I could go. After much thought i decided to call this friend and accept the invitation...my feeelings towards myself and my body are not going to get better by sitting at home doing nothing. I have already missed out on so much because of the way that I feel about myself and the shame that I have about my body because it does not fit societies ideal. I am tired of punishing myself by not participating in life. I know that Saturday will be difficult but at the end of the day at least I will be able to say that I tried, I know that i will more than likely feel worse wbout myself at the end of the day. Maybe being in an environment where the money that is being raised to help support those in dire need of the necessities will help me to stop thinking about myself. When I think of the families and children around the world who do not have enough to eat, a home or are held captive in their countires I feel horrible for destroying my life and my body in an attempt to FIT in. I have so much that i take for granted and well I didn't have the best childhood but at the end of the day I have a home, friends, family and the ability to make choices. I have freedom and I have life. My past will always haunt me, however it is up to me whether or not i choose to do something about it, work through it so that i can move on with my life. I

02:38 pm: EXHAUSTED!!
Well I am here in Kitchener at a friends for the night. I am looking forward to having homemade spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Not much else to report, other than I have been doing really well today. I have not deviated from my meal plan at all, I even had cookies for my group 2 after lunch. Ughh..Wish that my therapist was here next week...counting down the days until my next appointment. We talked about so much yesterday but I still feel as though there is so much to talk about...wish that I could afford to see her twice a week, but I can't. Ughh...at least I am seeing my dietitian next week, she is really great and it is easy for me to talk to her. I had aftercare last night, I admitted that I was struggling and well that was very difficult to do but it needed to be done. I feel pressure to be doing perfect from so many people, I know that they may not expect me to be perfect but when I am stuggling I feel as though I have disappointed others. This is so much work..RECOVERY, it is very exhausting there are days when I don't want to get out of bed because I know how much work it is...I know that I can't take a break from recovery because that is just not a choice...I just need a break from all the feelings that accompany recovery.

09:27 pm: So this is my second post today. I am really struggling at the moment with feeling hungry. I have decided to experiment with listening to my body. It has been so long since I have listened to my body that I am not sure what hunger feels like. I am so stressed at the moment because I want so much to be normal and eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full but I also know that not getting enough in during the day can be a dangerous habit to get into. I haven't had snack yet this evening because I haven't felt hungry. I am so frustrated with my body, all I want is to be able to listen to my body. I take full responsibilty for allowing this to happen. It is kind or ironic that in my attempt to gain control over my body for 12 years I have truly lost control over it. I am not sure what I need to do to gain back that control. Sometimes I wish that I was a able to treat myself with the respect and not second guess my thoughts and or choices. I know what I need to do in order to stay healthy but at times that is what stops me from following through. I really don't want to be sick but sometimes I feel as though that is the only escape from feeling, not really sure if I am making any sense but that is how I am feeling at the moment. So many things that I want to say but I am unable to put my thoughts into words. So I guess I should go eat because I am feeling guilty for trying to listen to my body, not sure why but that is how I am feeling!!

02:26 pm: Where to begin with accepting myself. For so long I have punished, manipulated and destroyed my body because it has only brought me grief. I am tired of living this lie, a lie that has gotten me to this point...a point where I can no longer find anything that I like about myself either physically or emotionally. I am tired of merely existing in this body. I am tired of existing in this mind. Even though I am tired of being me I know that I cannot change who I am. I can work on becoming a better person but at the end of the day I will still be me, flaws and all. Maybe I am trying to find a solution to all of my problems instead of looking for solutions to smaller problems. I need to look past the huge picture and focus on the here and now. What is it that will help me feel better about about myself today? I know that I cannot find happiness in starving myself or punishing myself by bingeing and purging. These behaviours may bring me relief but only for a short period of time. I am so frustrated with my thoughts and feelings they seem to be overwhelming and consuming. I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only person who has resorted to manipulation and self destructive behaviours, but it saddens me to know that there are still many people out there who are struggling. I know that I cannot change others behaviours or how others feel about themselves but I feel as though there must be something that I can do to help others. I feel as though I need to help society see how what we say, do and model affects those around us, those who are unaware of what is going on. I am so frustrated with feeling like I nothing I do will ever be enough.

12:09 pm: SOCIETY
Right now I am very angry at the world. In an attempt to escape everything that reminds me of being sick I have seen how truly disturbed our society is. So many mixed messages. I am tired of seeing people I love and care about fall apart in front of me. Society has so many ways for us to destroy ourselves both physically and emotionally. Something needs to be done. It isn't right that one can walk down the street and see signs for a quick fix about weight and shape, as if a magic pill is going to make us feel better about ourselves. Companies thrive on our low self-esteems and lack of trust in our bodies. It is sickening that they can get away with it. It is even more sickening that we buy into it. We perpetuate the problem by purchasing these products. I know that is is difficult to ignore the advertising because as a society we strive for the best, nothing less is acceptable. We seem to have lost track of what true happiness is. A bottle of pills cannot make us see the world through rose coloured glasses. As a society we want results right away and expect to get what we want without having to work for it. We expect external things to make us happy and when they don't we destroy ourselves. We blame ourselves for not feeling the way that we want to. We lose ourselves in the pursuit of something intangible, happiness. We blame and take responsibility for things that we have little or no control over. We think that we are somehow different from everyone else, we can find compassion for others but we punish ourselves for things that we so easily and freely forgive others for doing. We need to break the cycle. I am not sure what to do in order to make this world more accepting of differences that make us unique. I am trying to start breaking this cylcle by accepting myself but this is very difficult to do when surrounded by the ideal. I know that the ideal is just something that I have bought into, but how do I leave that behind, how do I feel okay with myself when everything around me is telling or showing me that I am not okay the way that I am?

12:20 pm: So today my housemate and I have an appointment with our therapist together. I have been sitting on the edge for the last 3 weeks and I am hoping that this will be helpful but if it isn't then I guess we will have to figure something else out.

I am so tired, I haven't been sleeping very well lately and I think that it is catching up to me. The days seem to drag on and well I feel as though I am not accomplishing anything. I have no idea what I am going to do this summer or even for the rest of my life. I am terrified of not knowing what the future holds, I think that most people are scared of the unknown. Sometimes I think that I as well as others with eating disorders seem to think that they are the only ones who are afraid of the future. One can only take so much of this fucking eating disorder...I am doing well but not everyone around me is and that frustrates and angers me. This disease is consuming and exhausting not only for those who are sick but for those who care about those who are. I finally have an idea of what it is like to sit on this side of the fence, I am not RECOVERED by any means but I am in recovery and well many excuses, reason etc. people use to justify their eating disorder are very irrational. I know that I was also making excuses only 6 months ago, I am so glad that I am no longer in that vicios cycle. Staying sick, being sick doesn't make anything better, it only makes things worse. It is so frustrating to watch someone destroy themself, fade away to nothing both physically and emotionally. Is numbing really the answer? If eating does make one more emotional, so what...I don't mean that to sound derogatory but that is not a reason to starve oneself. I find that people are full of mixed messages they say one thing but there actions say another. I realize that they more than likely don't know what it is that they want but why can't they just say that. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I am hoping that todays session will be helpful for both of us!!

Tags: no music...just silence!!